空洞的句式≠高分作文
今天，我们来分析一篇在40分钟内完成的作文。
先上题：
Some people think that environmental problems are too big for individuals to solve.Others, however, believe that the problems cannot be solved if individuals do not take some actions.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
（点击可放大）
The essay lacks substance and it seems that more focus has been placed on using standard rote phrases rather than focusing on actually answering the question (task) with substantial content. In body 1, the last sentence contains a substantial idea, whereas the preceding sentences are all very general without any real substance, which makes providing coherence extremely difficult. This essay seems to be a result of rote (recited) learning rather than thoughtful writing. Most examiners will feel the same.
这篇文章使用了很多标准短语，但缺乏实质性内容来实际回答题目问题。在body 1中，除了最后一句话包含一个实质性的概念，前面的句子都非常笼统，没有任何实质内容做支撑，这就导致了行文不连贯，思路不完整。
List of errors
我们再从Task Response, Coherence & Cohesion, Lexical Resource, 及Grammar Range and Accuracy几个方面来分析这篇例文。
Task Response
5分
雅思写作对Task Response (5分)的要求是这样的：
Besides not finishing the essay in 40 minutes, the actual task of ‘discussing’ (meaning the presentation of 2 different opinions) is not appropriate.Body 1 should discuss one side of the argument, and body 2 the other side (without expressing personal opinion in either body)—as we need to ‘discuss’.The ‘opinion’ should be in the conclusion and/or the introduction. There isa lack of development of ideas in relation to the statement, for example, ‘that problems are too big for individuals to solve’. This opinion should be expressed so that it is clear why these problems that are ‘too big’, cannot be solved by individuals.Irrelevant detailsinclude sentences such as “In modern society, more and more environmental problems are serious”. This statement has no relation as to whether individuals can solve them or not. Most importantly, however, there isa lack of logical and clear development of ideas.
Coherence & Cohesion
5分
雅思写作对Task Response (5分)的要求是这样的：
We have, on average, about only 90 words for each body to make our point, and as such,there is little time for sweeping generalizations and ideas that lack any specific content.
For example, sentences like “Above all, according to scientists, the impact of environmental issues is really broad and the solutions are largely determined by many other factors”. This type of sentence, though it is made up of standard phrases such as ‘above all’, ‘according to scientists’, ‘the impact of’, ‘is really broad’, ‘are largely determined by’, and ‘many other factors’, it gives the reader little idea about what those ‘impacts’ and ‘solutions’ are.It strongly suggests to the examiner that these are simply recited phrases as they lack any contextual support.
原文中句子间缺乏连贯性，比如：
"It can’t just rely on individual efforts. In modern society, more and more environmental problems are serious."
The categories of TR and C&C can be thought of as best friends, and so it follows that usually the score of either will be reflected in the other. This is because TR requires ‘development of idea’ and C&C requires ‘progression’, meaning there is a clear direction.
Lexical Resource
6分
雅思写作对Lexical Resource (6分)的要求是这样的：
With close inspection, an examiner will probably be able to detect that many of the terms and phrases used are from a rote collection of standard phrases, since when used do not seem to actually contain content or have actual real meaning to the sentence, paragraph, or essay.
Here is a list of standard phrases used that although can be used at the right time in the right context, can have little meaning if just used without actual relation to content:
These phrases can all be used, and they are good phrases, but they will not increase your vocabulary score, as it is clearthey are for the most part learned standard phrases, and lack any development, in other words, empty phrases.
The examiner will then turn their attention to ‘substance’ and ‘context’ vocabulary:
‘solve thesequestionsbase their stance on the followingquestions’
这句话里的第一个 ‘questions’ 应换成 ‘problems/challenges/issues’
第二个 ‘questions’ 应换成 ‘reasons/factors/elements’
‘privacy cars’: ‘privacy’ 是一个名词, 在这里应该用其形容词形式‘private’
‘heavy the pollution’: ‘heavy’ is an adjective, not a verb
For the most part, however, word formation is good, spelling is good, and an adequate range of vocabulary is shown to discuss the ideas that are being written about, however, depth and complexity are missing.
Grammar Range & Accuracy
6分
雅思写作对Grammar Range & Accuracy (6分)的要求是这样的：
Technically speaking, this essay might get a 5 for grammar because the introduction had 1 incomplete sentence when using a subordinate conjunction, and the essay had about a 50/50 ratio of simple to complex sentences, with little variation, however,overall the writer showed reasonable control over the grammar.The sentence that included ‘privacy cars’ and ‘heavy the pollution’ though might cause an examiner to award a 5 for this category if they feel that most sentences are learned (recited) sentences.
Incomplete sentence (1)
Contractions(2)
Simple sentences (4)
Complex sentences (5)
综上，这篇作文的总分为：5.5分
以下是另一位同学用同样的话题写的作文（红色字体为Mac老师修改的部分）：
这篇作文的总分为：6分
写在最后：英语写作能力的本质提升绝非一日之功，而要靠日积月累。需要考生平时勤积素材，肯于思考，并动笔练习。
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往期精彩
雅思6分+ 核心词汇 （一）
雅思6分+ 核心词汇 （二）
To recite or not to recite, that is the question
巧用动名词，瞬间提升英语逼格
雅思口语&写作 | 连接词及常用短语
循序渐进 | 我是这样跟Tim学英语的
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